


happy.exe

by iwouldcurseworldsforyou



Series: shoot: rugrats edition [1]
Category: Person of Interest (TV)
Genre: F/F, Gen, but shoot always sneaks in somehow, this is mostly a kid!shaw character piece
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2016-10-22
Packaged: 2018-08-24 01:55:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8351785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwouldcurseworldsforyou/pseuds/iwouldcurseworldsforyou
Summary: this is smiling. smiling means happy.





	

**Author's Note:**

> hello yes welcome to another fic in which i project myself onto shaw! she's not neurotypical and neither am i!!!

sameen stands on the very tips of her slender feet, and she can just see her nose in the mirror. she’s not tall enough, she thinks, and her arches ache from stretching. she startles at the warm hand that balances her on her back.

“careful, moosh, your maman will never forgive me if you slip and fall again.”

her big tooth still wiggles when it meets her tongue, and she winces slightly at the memory, of her face hitting the hot asphalt in the summer she was sure she could fly.

she moves away from her father’s hand as it traces the edge of her unsmiling face.

“azizam?”

“i’m fine, baba.” she replies, and offers him the top of her head in apology, breathing out slowly when he cards his fingers through her soft hair.

he waits for a few moments, hesitating in the bathroom doorway. she turns back to the mirror and lets his hand fall away from her hair. her eyes are blank and her expression is neutral, but soft, and he reluctantly leaves her to her thoughts.

at the sound of his fading footsteps, sameen quickly scrambles up onto the bathroom counter. she rests her chin on her knees, still facing the mirror, and rests her feet in the sink. her parents would cringe if they saw. the “germs, sameen!” and “be careful!” echo in her ears and she risks a quick glance behind her.

but the doorway is empty. it’s just sameen and her thoughts.

she has an unobstructed view now. the person in the mirror is young, of course. beautiful, as her father would say, and strong, her mother would add everytime without fail. she prods at her cheeks and doesn’t see it.

maybe when she’s older she’ll understand. she has more pressing matters to attend to now, anyway.

her brow furrows in concentration, and she brings the corners of her mouth up up up until her muscles twitch back and forth with effort. she allows her lips to part and makes sure her teeth are all touching, like frozen soldiers in the snow.

this is smiling. smiling means happy.

she lets her face relax, works her jaw a bit to loosen the muscles. it wasn’t like on tv with the laugh track blaring. it was more like in her encyclopedia, page 17, entitled: primates. she has all the facts memorized.

mammals often bare their teeth as a sign of aggression, her maman had read aloud to her, but higher primates often smile in fear or nervousness, as well as a display of friendliness between equals. next to the printed words is a photograph of a man smiling, and to his left is an illustration of a chimpanzee with a similar expression.

she doesn’t see much of a difference, honestly.

with a tiny huff, she resettles herself, trying to get comfortable. she promised herself she’d get through all five faces before her maman got home.

sameen wanted it to be a surprise. she wanted her parents to see how hard she worked to be just as good at everyone else at having feelings.

[she had been six years old the first time the school counselor had pulled her into the office after recess for fighting. the gentle woman had pointed to a chart on the wall, taken her hand and asked her to point to which expression she was feeling.

“did he make you angry, sameen? sad? scared? is that why you shoved john off the monkey bars?”

none of the pictures matched her relaxed mouth and smooth brow. but she recognized his wide eyes and clenched jaw, how his skin had gone white with pain and--

“fear? did he scare you sameen? what--”

it was a lie, and she wasn’t supposed to lie anymore. she had promised her baba that last year, after she had freed her pet fish. she hadn’t meant to kill it, she had just been curious, was all. it hadn’t been a big deal.

just like this white lie.]

maybe she’d be better at the opposite of happy. she widened her eyes slightly, and refused to blink until her eyes began to water. good, this was how it looked in her parent’s dramatic not-for-sameen movies. men and women holding each other close, red blooming from his chest, and her head resting on his collarbone, heartbroken.

she parted her mouth slightly, willing her lip to quiver. her eyes catch her expression in the mirror and immediately frowns. she looks like a gaping fish. she feels her nails cutting into her palm and the tightness in her chest.

anger, she thinks, the only one i don’t have to practice.

but no one likes it when she’s angry, even though it makes her feel the most alive. her heart pumping wildly in her chest like she’s falling off a cliff, arms tensed and coiled into her side like twin springs, ready to strike. the itchy feeling in her hands and feet, warm and willing her to action. her mind burning and whirling at a million miles an hour, clear and sharp and beautiful.

the memory brings a small smirk to her face, phantom feeling of power and control licking at the edges of her mind. she knows this face is close to happy, but it’s not the right happy. not a safe happy. this face causes secret shared glances and toys (distractions) to be pushed into her empty hands.

sameen wills her body to slow and relax again. back to empty, where it’s safe. in through her nose, out through her mouth. open palms and relaxed limbs.

eyebrows up again, this time with even wider eyes. she can see the white of her sclera surrounding the entirety of her iris. her mouth forms a round “o” and she tries to think of something scary to make goosebumps appear on her arms. she’s not very good at being scared. not very many things bother her, and the last person to surprise her received a swift punch to the nose.

sameen looks more like a starving baby bird than anything else, or like those girls who scream in the old black and white horror movies that she loves, right before they’re devoured by some ridiculously fake monster.

close enough, she supposes.

the creak of the screen door opening send an electric pulse down her spine, and she slides off the counter and hurries down the stairs, ready to show her parents what she’s been working on. sameen waits patiently in the doorway to the kitchen, because she knows it makes her maman sigh if she interrupts her parents quiet reunion every evening. they look soft together, their faces so complex, so much, that sameen could never even hope to replicate them in the mirror.

but not even sameen is immune to a child’s impatience, and she tugs on her maman’s scrubs before she separates from her husband.

“i wanna show you something.” sameen begins.

“and hello to you too, little one. would you like a hello hug?” her maman replies with an effortless grin. maybe sameen should have used her smiling face from her wedding photo instead.

sameen debates for a minute in her head before darting forward for a quick embrace. she hasn’t seen her maman all day, not even at breakfast because sameen had woken up late and missed their quiet morning time. it felt warm, and the arms around her made her feel secure instead of trapped.  
pulling back, she repeated, “can i show you something?” and after a small pause, added “please?”

saying please was important, it made people say yes most of the time.

“this isn’t another circus trick, sameen?” her baba asked, squinting his eyes. sameen’s “circus tricks” usually involved flipping backwards off furniture, or hanging upside down from tall trees, much to her parent’s dismay. she wasn’t allowed to play outside without an adult anymore, not after last summer anyway.

“i didn’t even go outside today! you were too busy with laundry, remember?” sameen replied. she crossed her arms, offended.

“now, now eshgham, let our daughter speak. i’m sure she’s been waiting all day to show us.”

sameen rolls her eyes despite her maman’s warning look.

without preamble, she turns to her baba. “say boo. really loud, like it’s halloween and there are trick or treaters outside.”

he frowns, clearly confused, and complies. sameen jumps as high as she can in the air, and makes her best “scared face”. after a beat, she presses her palms to the side of her face.

when her parents fail to react, she says, “sorry, i forgot to move my hands. i’m better at the other ones, i promise. or i can try again. you can do it again, if you want.”

slowly, her maman replies, “no, it was lovely, sameen. you can continue.” her maman’s face doesn't look look quite right, all tense around her eyes and gazing at the floor at her feet.

“you gotta pay attention! now say something funny.” sameen says.

“something...funny?” she questions, eyebrows raising in confusion.

prepared this time around, sameen bares her teeth in a feral grimace. keep you teeth closed, stretch your face, hold it, you’re a person, not a tiger. when people make jokes you laugh because it’s funny. and funny things make people happy. and you’re happy right now. happy happy happy.

“pretty great, right?” sameen grunts, teeth still clenched together, muscles spasming.

“you can relax now, dear.” her baba says softly. her maman doesn’t say a word.

“why aren’t you smiling? you’re supposed to smile when you’re happy. your mouths are straight lines. what did i do wrong?” sameen demands.

“you didn’t do anything wrong, sameen.” he murmurs quietly, in a way that tells secrets.

sameen breaks eye contact and looks at the table instead, offended. “if you don’t like them you can just say so. i haven’t been practicing them very long. i can get better. i can be like the people on tv, and like...like the other kids at school! you won’t have to go to those conferences, and i won’t have to lose my atari time anymore.”

“i didn’t even get to show you my best one.” she adds, gnawing at her cuticles.

her maman makes a strange choking noise and whispers, “and which one is that?”

“angry!” she says proudly, turning back to face her parents.

they’re huddled together now. her maman’s face pressed against her baba’s neck, with his arms circling her closely. both of their eyes are shining. she sees the wet tracks left by a few rogue tears, and it makes her chest hurt. she doesn’t know what to do. she’s never seen them do this before.

“are you sad? i didn’t get to show you that one, but i know that means that something’s wrong.”

sameen takes a few cautious steps forward and coughs a few times in an attempt to loosen the knot in her throat. “guys?”, she pulls a little at the edge of her baba’s shirt and then at her maman’s scrubs again.

“we’re a little sad, yes, because--” he begins, “--because we don’t think you should…”

“you shouldn’t have to pretend, azizam.” her maman concludes. “not for us, and not for anyone else. you’re amazing the way you are, sameen. you need to believe that.”

“but i worked really hard on those!”

“and we see that darling, but…” she trails off, lost in thought. “you shouldn’t have to. it doesn’t matter if other people don’t understand, or if you aren’t the same as them. it’s okay to be different. emotions and feelings...they’re something that just happen. if you have to force them then they aren’t real.”

“and whatever you feel or don’t feel is completely fine. your feelings are just as normal and real as anyone else’s, okay?” her baba adds.

“i guess.” sameen grumbles.

“but”, her maman says, eyes brightening, “i do believe that such hard work, necessary or not, should be rewarded. how do you feel about having a sleepover with root this weekend?”

sameen heart thumps a little faster. “you said i was grounded from root after we put her turtle on the skateboard on monday.”

“her turtle lived to fight another day, so i suppose i can overlook it just once.” she teases.

sameen feels light and warm, and rushes at her maman, bright and brilliant, just like a sunbeam.

“really? thank you! thank you thank you thank you!”

and the smile that overtakes her face is completely natural.


End file.
